How to Disagree

Picture this: You’re paired with a friend on a school project, but you find yourself doing all the work. Your friend hasn’t hit her deadlines and keeps canceling meetings. The due date is quickly approaching, and you’re getting really frustrated. But before you start yelling at your partner or angrily decide it’s easier to do the entire project by yourself, consider this third option: a calm, productive conversation to resolve the problem.

“If we take the time to have conversations, voice our opinions and our thoughts, we can uphold relationships,” says Matthew J. Johnson. He’s an instructor with the International Institute for Restorative Practices, which teaches people how to resolve conflicts.

Because, let’s face it: You’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone about everything. Whether it’s over a school project, the rules of a game, or a comment that hurt someone’s feelings, disagreements happen. But calm conversations can help keep them from becoming confrontational arguments, which tend to end negatively.

The most common reason a disagreement escalates is that one person is so focused on how they were wronged that they can only think about what the other person did, explains Carmen Larson, a middle school guidance counselor in Florida. But most of the time, both parties in a disagreement have contributed to the problem.

Before you begin a conversation about a conflict, it’s important to have a goal in mind. “Ask yourself what you want to accomplish,” suggests Julia Minson, a behavioral scientist and author of the book How to Disagree Better. Your goal might be to make sure everyone understands why it’s important to do their work for a group project. Or your goal might be to learn why a friend did something that made you feel left out.

When Larson helps her students resolve disagreements, she uses a framework called the 5 Rs of Restorative Justice. This set of practices can help you work through conflicts while remaining respectful and keeping your relationships intact. The advice can be used with anyone, from friends and classmates to parents and siblings.

magine you’re paired with a friend on a school project. But you find yourself doing all the work. Your friend hasn’t hit her deadlines. She keeps canceling meetings. The due date is quickly nearing. And you’re getting really annoyed. But don’t start yelling at your partner or angrily decide it’s easier to do the entire project by yourself. Consider another option. Try having a calm, useful conversation to fix the problem.

“If we take the time to have conversations, voice our opinions and our thoughts, we can uphold relationships,” says Matthew J. Johnson. He’s an instructor with the International Institute for Restorative Practices. It teaches people how to resolve conflicts.

Let’s face it. You’re not going to see eye to eye with everyone about everything. Disagreements happen, whether it’s over a school project, the rules of a game, or a comment that hurt someone’s feelings. But calm conversations can help keep them from becoming confrontational arguments. Those tend to end negatively.

There’s one common reason a disagreement escalates. It’s that one person is focused on how they were wronged. They can only think about what the other person did, explains Carmen Larson. She’s a middle school guidance counselor in Florida. But both parties in a disagreement have added to the problem most of the time.

It’s important to have a goal in mind before you talk about a conflict. “Ask yourself what you want to accomplish,” suggests Julia Minson. She’s a behavioral scientist and author of the book How to Disagree Better. Your goal might be for everyone to understand why it’s important to do their work for a group project. Or your goal might be to learn why a friend did something that made you feel left out.

Larson helps her students resolve disagreements. She uses a method called the 5 Rs of Restorative Justice. This set of practices can help you work through conflicts. And it can help you remain respectful and improve your relationships. The advice can be used with anyone. That includes friends, classmates, parents, and siblings.

Here’s how: Remember the relationship you have with the person, how it was damaged, and why you’re working to fix it.

Before you begin the conversation, recall how you feel about this person outside of the disagreement. Remind yourself that the conflict is about a person’s behavior, not their identity. For example, if your friend isn’t helping with a school project, you’re likely upset about having to do all of the work—not that your friend is a terrible person.

“We need to focus on our personal experience,” Larson says. “We’re not attacking our friend. We’re showing them how we feel in that moment.”

Here’s how: Remember the relationship you have with the person, how it was damaged, and why you’re working to fix it.

Think about how you feel about the person outside of the disagreement. Then talk with them. Remind yourself that the conflict is about a person’s behavior, not their identity. For example, a friend isn’t helping with a school project. You’re likely upset about having to do all the work. It’s not that your friend is a terrible person.

“We need to focus on our personal experience,” Larson says. “We’re not attacking our friend. We’re showing them how we feel in that moment.”

Here’s how: Treat each person with dignity, and listen to what they have to say.

One of the keys to having a productive conversation about a disagreement is respect. That means using kind language, avoiding sarcasm, and taking turns speaking in calm voices. For example, instead of saying “That’s stupid,” try “I don’t agree with you, and this is why.” When people know they’re being heard, they’re more likely to open up about their feelings and find ways to resolve the conflict.

Using “I statements” is one way to respectfully share your perspective. These statements put the focus on how the speaker is feeling instead of blaming the other person. “I statements” might begin like this: “I feel frustrated because . . .” or “I would appreciate it if . . .”

Here’s how: Treat each person with dignity and listen to what they have to say.

One of the keys to having a useful discussion about a disagreement is respect. That means using kind language and avoiding sarcasm. It also means taking turns speaking in calm voices. For example, instead of saying, “That’s stupid.” Try saying, “I don’t agree with you. And this is why.” It helps for people to know they’re being heard. Then they’re more likely to open up about their feelings and find ways to resolve the conflict.

Using “I statements” is one way to respectfully share your view. These statements don’t blame the other person. They put the focus on how the speaker is feeling. “I statements” might begin like this: “I feel frustrated because . . .” or “I would appreciate it if . . .”

Here’s how: Recognize and acknowledge your role in the conflict.

Larson has worked with many students in the 34 years she has been a guidance counselor. In her experience, most teens who have disagreements realize both people contributed to the problem but are reluctant to admit that they did anything wrong. Recognizing and taking responsibility for a mistake can be a really hard thing to do, even for adults. But these actions go a long way toward keeping a small misunderstanding from spiraling out of control and helping you move forward.

Here’s how: Recognize and admit your role in the conflict.

Larson has been a guidance counselor for 34 years. She’s worked with many students in that time. In her experience, most teens who have disagreements realize both people added to the problem. But they don’t want to admit they did anything wrong. Recognizing and taking responsibility for a mistake can be a really hard thing to do, even for adults. But these actions go a long way. They can keep a small misunderstanding from spiraling out of control and help you move forward.

Here’s how: Apologize and identify ways to make things right.

A relationship can be repaired when both parties realize they need to apologize. This part of the conversation is what Larson calls “the peace talk.”

A good, meaningful apology focuses on your own actions, not on the other person’s reaction. When you apologize, say you’re sorry for what you did even if it was an accident. Accept responsibility for your actions without making excuses. Explain that you know your actions affected the other person and that you’ll do better in the future. “The peace talk should include specific commitments,” Larson says, like, “I’ll talk directly to you if something is bothering me instead of talking about it with other people.”

When apologies are shared, Larson says, she often hears her students say, “It’s OK.” That’s when Larson jumps in and asks, “Was it really OK, or are you accepting the apology?” she says. There’s a difference, because saying “It’s OK” can send the message that the behavior was acceptable.

Here’s how: Apologize and identify ways to make things right.

A relationship can be repaired when both parties realize they need to apologize. This part of the conversation is what Larson calls “the peace talk.”

A good, meaningful apology focuses on your own actions. It doesn’t focus on the other person’s reaction. Say you’re sorry for what you did. Even if it was an accident. Accept responsibility for your actions. Don’t make excuses. Explain that you know your actions affected the other person. Promise that you’ll do better in the future. “The peace talk should include specific commitments,” Larson says. Like, “I’ll talk directly to you if something is bothering me instead of talking about it with other people.”

Larson often hears her students share apologies and say, “It’s OK.” That’s when Larson jumps in. She asks, “Was it really OK? Or are you accepting the apology?” There’s a difference. Because saying “It’s OK” can send the message that the behavior was acceptable.

Here’s how: Create a plan for how to move forward.

The last step in the framework is about figuring out what a healthy relationship will look like in the future. This rebuilding process involves asking: “What do you need to do before the conversation ends to be in a better place?” In some cases, people might realize they need a break from one another until emotions settle. In others, a friendship might no longer be healthy, and it’s best to respectfully part ways to be able to coexist in a school or other community.

“The goal of reintegration isn’t necessarily to restore the relationship exactly as it was,” Larson says, “but to decide how to move forward in a way that is respectful, healthy, and productive.”

Here’s how: Create a plan for how to move forward.

The last step is figuring out what a healthy relationship will look like in the future. It’s a rebuilding process. It involves asking “What do you need to do before the conversation ends to be in a better place?” People might realize they need a break from one another in some cases. Just until emotions settle. A friendship might no longer be healthy in other cases. Then it’s best to respectfully part ways in order to coexist in a school or other community.

“The goal of reintegration isn’t necessarily to restore the relationship exactly as it was,” Larson says, “but to decide how to move forward in a way that is respectful, healthy, and productive.”