My Life with Autism

Allison, 18, always felt different. This is the story of how she learned she has autism—and realized that “different” isn’t bad.

Until recently, if there was a character with autism in a TV show or movie, it was usually a boy who was obsessed with trains or spoke in a robotic voice. That’s because for a long time, people thought being autistic meant one specific thing. But today, many people with autism want others to know that there’s not just one way to be autistic. 

Some people with autism have symptoms that affect their ability to function independently. With other people, you might not know they have autism unless they tell you. This is why the condition is now referred to as autism spectrum disorder (ASD).  

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 out of every 36 children in the U.S. have been diagnosed with ASD. Hearing directly from people with autism can remind us that we all experience the world in unique ways. Here Allison describes in her own words what it’s like to be a person living with autism.

Photograph by Eli Meir Kaplan

Allison loves all types of animals.

Ever since I was a little kid, I felt out of place all the time. In elementary school, it was hard to make friends. I felt like I was always saying the wrong thing. I was often exhausted at the end of a school day. Talking to people, especially to kids my own age, felt like a huge chore.

In middle school, things got harder. When I was 12, I started having bad stomachaches. I couldn’t go to school. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed.

My parents took me to many, many different doctors. None of them could find anything wrong. Finally, one doctor suggested looking into autism.

I was confused: Didn’t autism affect the brain? Why would it give me stomachaches?

Then I learned that many—but not all—people with autism have stomach problems. Many are also more sensitive to pain.

Could this be why I always felt so different?

What Is Autism?

When I was 13, my parents sat me down and told me I was autistic. In that moment, I cried.

But I wasn’t sad. I was relieved. The more I learned about autism, the more everything made sense. Having a word for it made me feel less alone.

You might already know a bit about autism. But it can be misunderstood. Autism is something people like me are born with. Our brains develop differently. Because of that, we communicate, learn, and behave in a different way than people who don’t have autism.

It’s impossible to tell if someone is autistic just by looking at them. Every autistic person is different. Some autistic people are great at holding a conversation. Others don’t talk at all. Some can’t live by themselves and need a lot of support throughout their whole lives. Others need hardly any support. Some do well in school. Others struggle with learning. All of us deserve respect.

For me, the world often feels like too much. What do I mean by that? Autistic people can be more sensitive to things like smell, taste, sound, and touch. I struggle with loud noises. It helps me a lot to wear headphones when I’m in a noisy place.

People with autism also often communicate differently. We might be more direct, or say exactly what we mean. This can be mistaken for rudeness. Some of us also struggle with eye contact. And we might not understand jokes or sarcasm right away.

Courtesy of family

Allison and her parents at home

Losing the Mask

One of the hardest parts of being autistic is that lonely feeling of being different. That’s why many autistic people hide their autistic traits. We call this “masking” because it’s like putting a mask on over our true selves.

Masking might mean forcing ourselves to make eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable. It might mean pretending to ignore the strong smells of the cafeteria because nobody else seems bothered by them. Masking can be exhausting, but many of us don’t even notice we’re doing it.

I’ve been trying to mask less. I’ve gotten better at making friends because I understand how my brain works. I can recognize when I need to be alone before I get overstimulated. And I don’t judge myself for preferring to hang out with people online instead of in person. My stomach pain has gotten way better too. Honestly, I think the stress of feeling different was a big part of what caused it.

Be Kind

People are sometimes surprised to learn that I have autism. When they ask me questions, I’m happy to answer them. The more open I am about being autistic, the more people will understand me. 

I hope to reach the autistic kids who felt the way I used to feel—alone, weird, different. I have a message for those kids: You are different, but that’s not a bad thing. You can’t change who you are. So the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself.

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