A User's Guide to Manners

Knowing what to expect in social situations can make you (and everyone else) a lot more comfortable. Here’s why.

March 2024

Ellen Song • Illustration by Serge Seidlitz

Good manners often get a bad rap. “A lot of people think that manners are stuffy, old-fashioned, judgmental, and elitist,” says Daniel Post Senning. He’s an expert on manners. He’s also the great-great-grandson of Emily Post, the author of the most famous guides on manners ever written in the U.S. If you’ve ever been yelled at for putting your elbows on the table, you might wonder why we need manners at all.

But manners shouldn’t be about making other people feel bad. Instead, they’re guidelines for navigating social situations so that everyone feels confident and comfortable.

“Manners are important because they can tell us what to expect of others and also what others expect of us,” says Post Senning.

For instance, if you know you’re expected to shake hands when you meet someone, you won’t feel awkward when your friend’s dad comes at you with his hand extended.

Of course, manners often depend on the situation. For example, it might be perfectly fine to eat pizza straight out of the box if you’re hanging with friends, but your grandma might prefer for you to use a plate.

There are very few rules that apply to every situation, all the time, other than to be kind and pay attention to the social cues around you. But there are some general guidelines that can help you feel at ease in common social situations. Read on to learn some best practices for good manners.

Scenario 1: The Dinner Party

Your aunt and uncle invite you over for a family meal. Just one problem: They’re serving spinach pie, and you really don’t like spinach. The adults are passing around the dish, and it’s your turn. What do you do?

How to Deal: If there’s a food that you can’t eat because of allergies or other restrictions, it’s totally OK to politely say you can’t eat it. (Even better, though, is to alert your hosts before the dinner, so they can make something everyone can eat.)

On the other hand, if you just think you might not like the food, make an effort to try everything. “You can ask for what I’d call the ‘I’ll try it’ portion,” says Post Senning. “If you don’t think it’s going to be something that you like, just ask for a little less.” You might discover that while you hate spinach, you actually love spinach pie. Or you might not. Either way, you’ll have shown your hosts that you appreciate the effort they put into preparing a meal for you.

Scenario 2: The Invitation

A good friend is having their birthday party at an amusement park. It’ll probably be fun, but roller coasters make you sick. You’re not sure you want to go. The date to reply to the invitation is coming up, and you’re still deciding. What do you do?

How to Deal: You might be tempted not to respond at all because it’s too hard to make the decision. But don’t ghost your hosts! They’ll need to figure out how many tickets to buy, how much pizza to order, and so on. So if there’s an RSVP date, you must let them know before then.

It’s not rude to say no politely. “It’s much harder to deal with a question mark than with someone who declines,” says Post Senning. The best thing to do in this case is to make a decision about whether you want to attend and stick to that decision. If you tell your hosts that you’re going to the party, then try your hardest not to flake. But if you’re hesitant about saying “yes” because you’re really leaning toward saying “no,” just be honest with your friend and sit this one out.

Scenario 3: The Thank-You

Your guidance counselor wrote you a nice letter of recommendation for a summer internship program. You just found out you got the internship! You want to tell your counselor that you appreciate them. How should you let them know?

How to Deal: Don’t just assume your counselor knows that you’re grateful, or even that you got the internship—put it in writing! If you don’t already regularly write thank-you notes to people who’ve done you a favor, now’s the perfect time to start. “Teens are at a stage in their life when a lot of people are going to do a lot of things for them,” says Post Senning. “Being able to appreciate that help is one of the best social skills teens can develop.”

Bonus: It makes people feel great to get thank-you notes. If you send them, your teachers, guidance counselors, and mentors will be even happier to help you in the future because they’ll have positive memories of you. See the guide below for pointers on how to craft the perfect thank-you.

Scenario 4: The Check-Out Line

You’re at the store buying some snacks when your best friend FaceTimes you. You really want to take your friend’s call, but it’s your turn to pay at the register. What do you do?

How to Deal: If you’ve ever been in line behind someone having a loud conversation on their phone, you know how annoying it can be. Don’t be that person! Unless you’re sure the call is about something urgent, your best bet is to decline it. If you think it might be important, answer it and briefly tell the person calling that you’ll call them back when you’re free.

It’s also important to be mindful of the person at the register and the other people waiting behind you. Try to keep your phone in your pocket until you’re done with your purchase. If you’re looking at your phone, you’ll probably be distracted when it’s your turn to pay, which will slow things down for everyone else. (The same goes for texting!) Put the phone away, and remember to say “Hi” and “Thank you” to the cashier.

How to Write a Thank-You Note

If someone gives you a gift or does something nice like write you a letter of recommendation, the best practice is to let them know how grateful you are in a note. It’s nicest if you handwrite the note, but e-mail works too. Just be sincere.

1. Start with a friendly greeting like “Dear.” Use Mr. or Ms. if the person is an adult. And double-check the spelling of their name!

2. Let the person know why you are writing. Be specific.

3. Make sure you include the words “thank you.”

4. Let them know why their help was meaningful.

5. End with something friendly like “Sincerely” or “Warmly,” followed by your first and last name.

Do You Mind Your Manners?

True or False? You shouldn’t put your elbows on the table during a meal.

DEPENDS! It’s not rude in itself to put your elbows on the table. It can show that you’re relaxed and comfortable. But if you’re holding utensils in your hands, you shouldn’t prop yourself up with your elbows. Try to sit up straight, with your elbows at your sides.

True or False? Manners stay the same over time.

FALSE! Every generation adopts some sets of manners that they inherit from the past. They also develop new manners that work for them.

True or False? You should always let people know when you’re running late.

TRUE! It’s good manners to give people a heads-up if you’re going to be late to a meeting or an event. The people who are expecting you will appreciate it. Shoot them a quick text or email to let them know you’re on your way.