A User's Guide to Grandparents

You haven’t seen your grandparents in ages and you’re eager to catch up, so you FaceTime them—but it’s not going well. When they ask how school is, you say “fine,” then can’t think of anything to ask in return. You try to tell them about a TikTok you made, and they think you’re talking about a clock. You adore your grandparents, but you wish relating to them didn’t feel so hard.

If this scenario rings a bell, don’t feel bad. It’s normal to struggle to connect with your grandparents. (But it’s also normal to have an awesome relationship with them, so if you do, enjoy it!) And physical distance, either as a result of the pandemic or just because you live far away, may mean your relationship takes place largely on screens, which can make things even harder.

Even so, that doesn’t mean you should give up on getting to know your parents’ parents. “Grandparents give you more chances to connect to your family and can provide mentoring and guidance,” says Chuck Kalish, Ph.D., who researches child development. Bonus: They have the dirt on what your mom and dad were like at your age (and the pictures to prove it!). Plus, not to be a bummer, but they’re not going to be around forever. Investing in your relationship now can help prevent regrets later.

Fortunately, having a meaningful relationship with your grandparents is easier than you might think. Just turn the page for our guide to coping with some common challenges. (FYI: If you don’t have grandparents, these tips work great for ANY intergenerational relationship—neighbors, your parents’ elderly friends, you name it.)

 Why it’s hard:  Sometimes you get along with your grandparents just fine—the problem is their relationship with your parents. Maybe your dad limits the time you spend with a beloved grandpa, or your grandma trash-talks your mom. Maybe they even ask you to take a side in the conflict. When that happens, it can feel like your parents and grandparents are playing tug-of-war—and you’re the rope.

How to deal:  Make it clear that you don’t intend to take sides. If your grandmother starts complaining about your dad, be firm, says Dr. Arthur Lavin, a pediatrician and parenting expert. You can say, “Grandma, I love you, and I love spending time with you, but I love my dad too, and I want to keep my relationship with you separate from your relationship with him.”

Why it’s hard:  If you’re dealing with a language barrier, having a conversation with your grandparents can be tough. “Although I speak Cantonese, there’s some vocabulary that I don’t know, and they don’t know any English,” says Karen, 17. And even if you both speak the same language, cultural differences might still make communication difficult. “My grandparents live in India, and they don’t understand my life in America and how hard it is to be a person of color here,” says Jheel, 17.

 How to Deal:  If there’s a language barrier, try learning a few phrases in their language—your grandparents will be touched by your effort and might be inspired to reciprocate. If the difference is cultural, give them some insight into your life: Make an online slideshow about what a typical day is like for you, or watch your favorite movie with them (over Zoom or IRL). They’ll appreciate the glimpses of your world.

Why it’s hard:  Sometimes grandparents can be judgmental if your choices are different than the ones they might want you to make. “My grandparents offer input on topics they don’t really understand, especially where I should go to college,” says Kyla, 16, from New York. “But having grown up in different generations gives us clashing points of view.”

How to deal:  Try to remember that what might feel like judginess to you likely comes from a place of love and concern. Talk to your grandparents about your decisions. The more insight you can give them into why you believe the choices you make are the best for you, the more likely they will be to support them.

Why it’s hard:  It can be upsetting when a grandparent forgets things about you, or asks you the same questions again and again. And if your grandparent suffers from dementia, or significant memory loss, you might also feel grief at losing the person you once knew.

How to deal:  Understand that it’s normal for older people to have trouble remembering things, so be patient if your grandma calls you by your sister’s name or asks what grade you’re in (again!). And even though it might feel uncomfortable or sad to see a grandparent being forgetful, know that even a small amount of time together can make a difference. “Just seeing your face, even on a screen, will warm their heart,” Lavin says.