Secrets of a Good Goodbye

For as long as you can remember, your older brother has driven you crazy. He always snags the last slice of pizza, uses all the hot water, and leaves his stinky socks all over the house. Now he’s going off to college. You’ve been waiting for this day your whole life. So why do you feel so . . . sad?

The fact is, separations­—even ones you’ve eagerly anticipated—can bring up a lot of feelings. “When someone is a big part of our lives, they change us,” says high school counselor Emily Reading Bianco. “Saying goodbye can make it feel like you’re losing a part of yourself.” 

While it’s totally normal to feel sad about saying goodbye, there are ways to make the ending of a relationship or a phase in your life less devastating. 

The key, psychologists say, is to find something called closure—the sense of completion or resolution of the relationship or phase. 

In fact, in several studies of people who were ending relationships, the people who felt a sense of closure reported having fewer feelings of regret about what had happened. They also said that they had an easier time moving on to new relationships. 

Saying farewell properly to one relationship or life phase, it turns out, can make it easier for you to say hello to someone or something new. 

Of course, some goodbyes are bigger and more permanent than others, but they all have the opportunity for closure. So read on to learn about some common goodbyes you may be facing now or in the future, along with expert tips on how to make them as good as possible. 

How to make it good: Talk to your sibling about how you’re feeling. Being honest about your concerns will give them space to share their own fears—they’re probably nervous about the big move too! Together, think up some strategies for staying in touch, like playing video games virtually once a week, texting before bed each night, or even writing old-fashioned letters. You should also make plans for the next time you’ll see each other—will your sibling come home for a holiday, or will you be able to visit them in a few months? Having a reunion to look forward to will help ease the pain of separation. 

The silver lining: This transition could be a really cool new chapter in your relationship. You might find your roles changing from older and younger sibling to legit friends.  

How to make it good: A death in your family can be devastating, especially if everyone around you is also grieving. But you can use that shared grief as an opportunity for connection by reminiscing about your grandparent. Bianco suggests you try asking your mom, “What are some of your best memories with Grandma (or Grandpa)? What are some things she (or he) taught you?” then answer those questions yourself. Acknowledging a grandparent’s impact on your life will help you realize that this person is still a part of who you are. It can also feel good to do some things you loved doing with the person. Maybe you could bake your Grandpa’s brownie recipe for your friends or plant your Grandma’s favorite tree in your yard. 

The silver lining: Sharing your sadness can bring your family closer together—and help you appreciate the time you have with each other. 

How to make it good: One way to smooth the transition is to take a little bit of your town with you. Make a list of all your favorite places, then collect souvenirs—a straw wrapper from your favorite diner, a rock from a nearby park, a ticket from your local movie theater. You can also make a virtual or physical photo album of meaningful places and jot down a memory for each place. Or write and deliver short notes of gratitude to the people in your town who made a difference—the librarian, the lifeguard at the pool, the clerk at the bakery who always snuck you an extra cookie. Saying goodbye to important people and places will give you a sense of closure about the move. 

The silver lining: A move is the perfect opportunity to explore new things. Now’s the time to try out for a new sports team or extracurricular club, audition for a theater group, or start a band.