Is Everyone Staring at Me?!

It’s the final minutes of the game, and you’ve got the ball. You dribble down the field, throw a wave to your friends in the stands, set yourself up for a game-winning goal . . . but instead of rocketing the ball into the net, you kick thin air and wind up on your butt. Rather than basking in athletic glory, you’re wishing the soccer field would open and swallow you whole. In other words, you’re embarrassed.

Of all the emotions, embarrassment ranks among the most painful. When we mess up in public, it’s easy to assume others are judging us big-time. In fact, social scientists have come up with the term “spotlight effect” to describe the experience: As the name implies, you feel like you’re standing under a huge, glaring light. The good news is, that spotlight is mainly in your mind. Studies have shown that feeling embarrassed causes you to wildly overestimate how much attention everyone is paying to you (see “The Imaginary Spotlight” at the bottom of this page).

So why feel embarrassed at all? One theory holds that embarrassment helps us avoid getting in trouble. For example, when you miss that goal, you may worry your coach will get mad. If you act embarrassed, you signal that you feel remorse and deserve sympathy, not punishment. In one study, people who appeared embarrassed after knocking over a display of toilet paper were considered more sympathetic than people who acted nonchalant.

But feeling embarrassed doesn’t just help you in the moment. Some experts believe it helps improve your relationships with others in your community. In the case of missing the soccer goal, the mortification you feel might remind you to keep your head in the game instead of waving to your friends the next time you play. If you didn’t feel embarrassed, you might show off at every game, which would make you a bad teammate.

Of course, knowing that embarrassment is a good thing doesn’t make it super comfortable, but there are things you can do to dial down the cringe factor. According to mental health counselor Tina Gilbertson, “The antidote to embarrassment is confidence. Confidence doesn’t mean you don’t care what others think of you. It just means you don’t assume that others are thinking the worst.”

What does that confidence look like IRL? Here, with the help of some brave teens who’ve shared their true stories, we’ve rounded up some of life’s most awkward moments, along with expert tips to help you stay cool and recover gracefully if they happen to you.

Some of life’s most embarrassing moments come from trying to make other people laugh—and failing to win even a smile. There’s a reason that comedians say they “died” onstage when a set goes badly—this kind of failure really stings. “During virtual class, we were talking about a recent political event, and I shared a joke I’d seen on social media,” says Danny, 15. “The only response I got was a forced chuckle from my teacher.”

The Fix: Shrug it off. As long as the joke wasn’t offensive or cruel, no one will remember it in 15 minutes. Calling attention to it will only prolong your agony, so resist the impulse to explain the joke. Remember, professional comedians spend years honing their acts—and even they still bomb sometimes. But if you find that your jokes are always met with resounding silence, you might consider your material, as well as your timing: A quip during group chat will be much funnier than a comedic monologue while everyone’s trying to hear the homework instructions.

Sometimes you can be embarrassed not by anything you do but by something someone does to you. These moments are not just embarrassing, they’re scary because they feel out of your control. “I was asked out to the homecoming dance in front of my entire school at an assembly by a guy I didn’t like,” says Lauren, 17. “I was extremely nervous and humiliated”—so nervous, in fact, she said yes in the moment, then later told the boy she just liked him as a friend and didn’t want to go.

The Fix: Keep your cool. Others might embarrass you in public for several reasons. Maybe they don’t think what they’re doing is embarrassing (the guy who asked Lauren to the dance might have thought she’d be thrilled), or maybe they know that, like Lauren, you’re less likely to react negatively if everyone’s watching. Either way, stay true to yourself. You can simply smile and say, “No, thanks,” or, “Let’s talk about this later” if you feel uncomfortable with all eyes on you. If, on the other hand, the person does something that’s intentionally hurtful to embarrass or humiliate you, tell them their behavior is not OK.

Technology improves our lives for many reasons—except for the way it makes it so easy to accidentally send a text, email, or DM to the wrong person (or, in the case of “reply all,” a lot of wrong people). Sending a message meant for someone else is always a bit cringey, but if the message was about the recipient, it’s downright painful, especially if it was less than flattering. “In this case, you may be feeling something more substantial than embarrassment, namely, shame and guilt,” says Neel Burton, a psychiatrist who writes about painful emotions. (Same goes for getting caught talking about someone behind their back IRL.)

The Fix: Apologize. Do it as soon as you realize what happened, and if at all possible, do it in person or over the phone. Don’t try to justify why you said it, just say something like, “I’m sorry you saw that. I imagine it must have made you feel terrible.” After you let them know you truly regret what you did, use the gaffe as an opportunity to talk about what’s bugging you, if the other person is open to it. And remember: While we all need to vent about others every now and then, as much as possible, try to follow the rule “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Especially over text.

You’re walking down the aisle at your sister’s wedding—and you stumble and almost run into the bride. You’re attempting to demonstrate the latest TikTok dance for your friends—and get tangled up in your shoelaces. You’re feeling pretty good about your new skateboard—until you land flat on your back at the skatepark. The only thing injured is your pride, but you know everyone saw, and you feel absolutely mortified.

The Fix: Own it. First, make sure you’re truly not hurt—injuries are no laughing matter. Then, once you’ve determined you’re physically OK, stand up, brush yourself off, and take a bow or wave or do something else to acknowledge to people watching that, yeah, you definitely did not mean to do that. “Some people may laugh, but remember, they are laughing more at the funny situation than at you personally,” says Burton. “So just laugh along with them.” As countless YouTube videos can attest, awkward slips and spills happen to everyone from celebs to athletes to runway models, so try to see your fall as a reminder that you’re human, just like the rest of us.